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UN Reads the Riot Act to the US

(AP*-New Yoke City) In a surprise move today, the United Nations Secretary General Bank E. Moon announced that the international community was formally condemning the government of the United States of America, suspending its seat on the UN Security Council, and relocating the headquarters of the United Nations to Madagascar.

The announcement followed secret sessions to which the U.S. delegation was not invited, and included a ratified statement from the world diplomatic community, calling for economic sanctions and the immediate arrest of several administration figures, including the Resident-In-Thief, who was formally named in a world court indictment as a despot and war criminal.

"When Madman Insane invaded Heywait to gain control over oil there, the United Nations dispatched troops to enforce a withdrawal," said the Secretary General. "Yet over four years after the bombing of Badgag, the unilateral strikes and numerous Geneva Convention violations have gone unanswered. All I can say is, we were terribly, terribly afraid. But all that will change now. The people of the world are united against the bully in the West!"

What makes this possible, according to Secretary Moon, is a new check against precipitous military action, developed, ironically, by Swiss pharmaceutical giant Sandoz.

"The Nuclear Suppository has been implanted in the prostate of the leader of each nation that currently wields nuclear weapons, and will be activated in the event of any first strike attack." The Secretary declined to elaborate on how such positioning had been achieved, saying simply, "watch Austin Powers."

Responding to a question about the odd timing of the radical declaration, Mr. Moon, chuckling and rubbing his palms together, frankly admitted, "We wanted this to hit Wall Street before the Dow opens Monday morning. A lot of us have friends into short selling, and this ought to blow out every pump valve on the Exchange."

According to the statement, Washington has thirty days to remove all troops from Iraq, shut down torture camps from Guantanamo Bay to Abu Grhraib, and free all political prisoners, or face international boycott of the dollar. The declaration also names Mumia Abu-Jamal as the interim legal Head of State, following his immediate release from Death Row.

No one at all could be reached for comment on this story of the century. Vegas odds are 4-to-1 for civil revolution in the next six months; and a bet on Bush lasting another ninety days could pay 23-1.

(*Associated Pranksters: Indi Riverflow & Amana Mission)

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